Miss Them

I never thought the day would come that I would ever say that I miss my father and mother. If you knew the story of my childhood you would probably understand my statement. I grew up in a very unhappy dysfunctional family. Most of us kids couldn't wait until we could leave home without having dad call the police to have us brought back. In fact, Dad kicked me out of the house, so I packed my suitcase and was on my way out the door when he said that if I left he would call the police. So, instead, that night he beat me and bounced my head off a block wall. That is the only time I ever hit my dad, and it was in self defense.

Others of my siblings may have their own stories. I know my sister has a story that is worse than mine. So, when I left home, I never looked back. But I carried the scars of this relationship into my adult life. Today I have a light beard to cover my face because I fear that I look a little too much like my dad.

Of course, my dad and mom never got along very well either. Their marriage ended in divorce after they had left Minnesota for Texas. What they saw in Texas I'll never know, but Texas is where mom lived until she died. I was by her bedside. Dad died in Minnesota and I am not sure of the cause of his death. Both were miserable until the day they died. I have no reason to miss them, except today I do.

I don't know why, perhaps it is roots (or maybe the lack of roots). Just recently I have begun to get re-acquainted with family members, aunts, cousins, etc. that I have lost contact with 40 years ago. I don't know them and they don't know me. Pretty sad, isn't it?

If my parents could suddenly be alive today, I would have a totally different attitude toward them. Time does not change the memories but it does have a way of healing the heart. If they had not died, I don't know that I would feel this way because they did live miserable lives and that would have continued. But if they could suddenly live again I believe I could love them and handle the conflicts that arise differently.

I am only sad now that we could not have been better friends when they were alive. I guess right now I am crying over spilt milk, or toothpaste already squeezed out of the tube. I guess I just wish the glass was at least half full or their was still some toothpaste left to use.